Feeling guilty never did anyone any good nor does it have any magic power to be able to change the past.
No matter what kind of day you have, I love the fact that every day comes to an end. Every day you get to go to sleep at night and you get to wake up and start a new day all over. Yesterday was a tough day, a day that some old stuff from the past came back to haunt me again…. stuff that I had not forgotten and moved on from. It kind of just hit me without any warning. The day before had been a fantastic day, I had gone to bed feeling on top of the world, so to wake up yesterday and have all those memories hit me, was a surprise. Yesterday my baby turned 28 and without realising it before, until yesterday, for the past few years on her birthday, I have had an awful day. Our minds have this ability to suppress bad memories until we can deal with it. The day my daughter was born all those years ago, was one of the best days and one of my worse.
I only discovered I was pregnant when I was already 5 months along. I had surgery on my jaw (unbeknownst to me I was already pregnant), my jaw was wired shut for 6 weeks, I ‘ate’ through a straw and was painfully thin and so sick afterwards. The doctors thought me being sick and so thin was the reason they only picked up on my pregnancy so late. I had always wanted a pigeon pair and was already blessed with a little boy so when I found out I was expecting a little girl, I was absolutely delighted. But…….I was terrified that the surgery, the medication and the time I spent in the ICU would have affected her development in the womb. My GP prepared me for the possibility of her being born blind or with another disability. To say that I was petrified for her to be born with any challenges that would make her life harder, was an understatement. Four months later, after another stint in hospital with a kidney infection and after an extremely complicated birth she was born. Poor little mite looked like she had been in a boxing ring, but she won ‘the fight’ proving what a determined little person she was as she came into this world healthy and happy.
When she was born and the doctors declared that she was perfectly okay, I felt so relieved, but I also felt the most incredible guilt. Guilt that my precious little bundle had gone through hell whilst growing in my womb and coming into this world. Guilt because my marriage was not great and I knew that bringing another child into the relationship was not ideal, but due to having endometriosis, I was told that if I waited that there was a possibility of never ever having another child. It was an impossible situation to be in. I adore children and not having another one, was a thought I could simply not entertain.
When she was a mere 18 months old, my marriage ended and for years and years and years, I watched my child struggle with not growing up with a dad. And as she struggled, I felt guilty, so terribly guilty. Over the years, I felt that I had been selfish, that I had made a decision to have a child and when I made that decision I did not think about the outcome of how it would affect her.
So yesterday, all of this came to the fore. No longer was my mind prepared to supress the guilt of my decision 28 years ago. Finally I was able to let it go, to forgive myself. To turn it all around. My daughter loves life and my life would be empty without her. I realised that guilt is a wasted emotion, a feeling that gets in the way of truly appreciating that what is right before us, an emotion that gets in the way of living life to the fullest.
So as I said at the start of this blog. I am so grateful that every morning we have a do-over, we get to start afresh. This morning I woke up with joy in my heart, with no more guilt and realising that the time I spend with her now is going to be that much sweeter and precious because of it.
I leave you with this, guilt is a wasted emotion, i.e. it wastes your time, it wastes moments and it can waste relationships. There is absolutely nothing you can do with guilt, all it does is drag you down, it make you feel awful and it causes an invisible barrier that pushes others away or you away from them. Learn from this, whatever you did or whatever you are feeling guilty about, let it go. Forgive yourself, life is too short for you to hang onto it in the hopes it will rectify what you did wrong in the past.